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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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Through all of the skepticism, the nay saying and the questioning. Through my huge problems with anxiety and everything....
i know i have an incredible life and friends. I will have an incredible love
and from then on it will just keep on getting better until the day i die.
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_+: 5 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Monday, November 7th, 2005
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theres nothing like knowing that you're going to see your favorite band ever at your favorite venue ever in your favorite place ever.
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_+: 5 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
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| Time: | 7:02 pm. |
| Mood: | ok. | | Music: | radiohead. |
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i feel like if i write something down and i can stand back and look at it- if i can take in its shape and the appearance of the words themselves that maybe then i will feel introspective. I will feel better about stuff and not feel crappy.
It was a beautiful day outside. I played catch with my suite mate jimmy in the quad. it was nice
it is so hard for me to focus on much of anything. my mind constantly wanders. My head hearts and my arm aches. My chest hurts a lot too. Its really fucking weird, but i have learned the only thing i can do is put my head down and rub my eyes. I can take depe breaths. That helps a lot.
I am not sleeping very well. i am not eating very well. I am having a hard time.
Granted, it is getting better. I am focusing more on school, or atleast trying too.
My mom is super bummed out. Whenever i talk to her she sounds tired and unsatisfied. I hope shes not still sad about the puppy dying. I hope she knows it wasnt her fault.
Wax On Radio is under new management now. its pretty awesome. The metro show is the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. What next will i be looking forward to? Who knows.
i want to write new music. i dont want to be edgy and anxious all the time. i feels like shit and i am working on trying to turn it off. its so difficult. i can't even describe it.
its weird knowing that i used to read all of these existential books and essays and i would feel uplifted and fulfilled after reading them when the rut i am in has endured for so long. AHHHH
some shake me.
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_+: 17 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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i hate ignorance.
i hate close mindedness.
i hate the lack of compassion that runs rampants through everything
im drunk
it sucks
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_+: 6 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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now is what i have waited my young adult hood for. my room, for the most part is packed into cardboard boxes and i am so excited.
this summer was a bummer. i am not going to lie. for the most part i was unhappy and confused. for a lot of it i was bored. I felt like my mind was turning into moosh. I felt like i was going to waste.
i couldn't stop thinking about things that are important to me but are painful as well.
Now, standing on its edge, i know that where i stand now is a wonderful place. I have told many people in my life where is stand on things. Opinions, feelings, ideas... it all.
for the first time a dream of mine that has lain dormant inside of me has shown its face. Through all the times we have practiced and belted shit out. For all the shitty shows we've played and the times when i have felt unsatisfied with my band. I can now say that i am on my way now... to being beyond satisfied. I cant wait to hold this EP in my hands and write the next thing. Its going to be happier. Its going to be angrier. Its going to be more focused. Our hard work has paid off. you will see.
i no longer feel as though i am calling over empty air.
i no longer feel as though my potential is going to waste. I now know how to get my ideas across. it feels incredible.
i hate waisting time. i hate smoking weed. I smoked last night to hide from something that has been bothering me for awhile. It's the shittiest use of time and money in the world. i hate it. if you smoke weed... i know its fun. think of why.
I used to think smoking weed made me a more creative person in some instances... but, the more and more i think about it... the more and more i feel the exact opposite.
its such a bittersweet feeling knowing that i am returning to dorm life- however... now... i feel as though i have supports beams on everyside of me. they arent going anywhere.
i now know how to deal with my anxiety disorder. first... i recognized that i have this disorder. secondly... i now know how to deal with it. i have learned over a lot of time how not take it out on other people. it helps. i am happier because of it. it feels amazing.
i had a conversation with my brother tonight that i really needed to have. it was awesome. it helped me realize a lot of things.
the roman candle fight in alex's backyard was one of the funniest times ever. i was totally sober.
i feel full of exuberance and hope.
i am happier than i have been the past four months... right now.
i am no longer confused about who i am and how i feel about my life and my relationships.
i have a lot of fucking work to do still... but i can honestly say right now... that i can't wait to bury my face in a book.
its the sad and uplifting songs that get me everytime.
if you read this. you probably mean the world to me.
one day at a time.
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_+: 12 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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Friday, August 26th, 2005
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so the summer is almost over... i'm pretty glad about it. For the most part it was pretty good- doing to wax on radio EP, hanging out with my friends, sleeping, drinking- but now that i look back on it... i know i am not going to miss a lot of things about it. I really hate feeling unproductive ALL the time. I feel like going to school will remedy the situation.
There have been a lot of cool things that happened in the past couple of months too. Metro twice, a new computer, new friends and getting the opportunity to see people i care immensely about that i hardly ever get to see. There are some things on my mind right now that i have really been trying to figure out. There are things that i want and have wanted for such a long time and i have finally made the decision to go for it. I am going to sort it out. it will be done.
So now i feel super high tech. I got this awesome computer for graduation (G4 powerbook), i have an ipod and then yesterday... because i changed my cell phone plan... i got a Black Motorola Razr for half the price it would normally cost. it is fucking slick as hell. i'm such a hot shot.
anyway material possessions are trivial things. Surrounding yourself in good company and with those you love and care about is what is important. Great friends of mine have left to start their lives in other places and i couldn't be happier for them. I am about to make a huge change in my life and i know that its the right one and the right time. I will be pursuing things that i have never pursued before and will be doing things at a level that i never felt possible. I cant wait to live in the city.
the academy is playing metro tonight. I think chris got me a ticket... if not... ill see you at the afterparty
wooo eeeeee
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_+: 6 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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so pretty much... i am ready for a change. I am tired of being bored on the days i dont have practice or a show. It sucks a lot. School is starting a couple of weeks and i am looking forward to it.
If you arent doing anything on saturday my band is playing a headlining show at the metro. I am so amped on that. It would be awesome to see some familiar faces at the show cheering us on. Please come.
That is all for now.
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_+: 2 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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my two favorite songs in the world right now are...
hanging marionette by the appleseed cast
and
headlights look like diamonds by the arcade fire.
that is all
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_+: 2 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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| Time: | 1:58 pm. |
| Mood: | just woke up w/o toothbrush. | | Music: | vacuum. |
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i havent updated in awhile. i have been super busy. ill try and cram the important shit in here fast.
lately i have fallen into the summer routine of coming home at around 3 or 4 in the morning and waking up at around two. i smoke a cigarette outside in my underwear and either play mario tennis on game cube or watch an episode of CSI Miami with Horatio Caine. Or i do both.
Besides all of that i am unemployed, dirty and should be hungover. it is fucking sweet.
Wax On Radio has had a busy and rough couple weeks. Exposition sounds incredible right now anf its not even mixed. I am so excited about it. Having a selfproduced EP that sounds like this with no support from anyone else but ourselves shows a lot about my band. If you arent impressed than you suck.
I have been hanging out with Alex Perry alot. that kid is the shit. I want to hang out with joe and eliza more. I havent seen Ben D. at all. what a focker.
I am also seriously considering getting my graduation present in the next couple days. I am not sure what i want to get for a couple reasons. I can get a G4 laptop or an AMpeg SVT classic bass amplifier. I have the EP coming out and we're touring this summer, but, i am also going to school next year. what a pickle.
anyway summer is good. Its been full of hard work thus far and i like it. all i need is a steady income and some money to eat.
word.
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_+: 3 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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if you dont follow this... your heart will become as brittle and dry as my skeleton.
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_+: Dance With Me.
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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the saying " today is the first day of the rest of your life" is a saying that i strongly believe in. Everytime someone has said that to me i think about how profound it is and how it sums up how i am in total control of my life.
today, i think, is the only time i have been able to say that that statement is at all true.
i honestly couldnt be more excited and terrified.
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_+: 1 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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everytime i watch the end of the life aquatic with steve Zissou, i, no matter what, get choked up.
its such an incredible movie.
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_+: 2 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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| Time: | 9:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | days away-mirrors. |
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so yea. i stayed home from school today because i needed some sleep. we're not doing anything worthwhile over there anyway. haha. its sort of interesting. I went to work tonight and played guitar. Drove home and realized how much it felt like fall outside. its sort of weird how that if right?
i have two huge projects due, both of which are on movies. i have to work on those. I am doing my final film project on wes anderson, while at home, i watched the life aquatic. watching it made me realize why i thought it was so amazing the first time i saw it.
i thought about the wax on radio EP a lot today. We have a title and date for the studio. we have a lot of work ahead of us, but i am really excited about it.
i read something that i wrote over a year ago tonight about how i wanted to play music and now that i am doing it, it is in many ways everything that its cut out to be.
i am done with high school in 13 days and i couldnt feel weirder about it.
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_+: 9 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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i love my friends.
word.
mikey forced me to take shots of jager tonight. he pulled my hair and jon alvin squeezed me until i bled internally. he pulled out a knife and said i couldn't leave.
what a psychokiller.
the bottom lounge is awesome and so is chris from mammoth press. oh yea and chinupchinup
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_+: 14 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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| Time: | 10:18 pm. |
| Music: | stuttering. |
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i think its funny how i cant help but smile at every pertanent picture i see.
wow.
i accomplished little today, but was so elated by the pristine weather that i dont even know whats up.
we play bottom lounge on saturday with the hush. it should be rad. the information is on our website.
night.
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_+: Dance With Me.
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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so today was pretty mediocre until i got home and i...
ordered some kick ass bass books. one of them in insanely awesome. all of the books are music theory books. i have been home for an hour just playing scales.
found out my band IS playing at bottom lounge on may 7th. (i acutally learned this late last night.
on another note, i think i am going to see open heart surgery tomorrow. that should be interesting.
and manthy!?!? where did you go?!
whatever, we'll hang out some other time.
sammy del real is a wacko
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_+: 10 waltzed - Dance With Me.
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knifetoagunfght's journal
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